


when you know everything it is suddenly strange (when you don't have a clue)

by sleeptalker



Series: you don't know you (the way i do) [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: 12 for twelve get it, 12 things, Angst, Gen, mention of previous doctors, twelve!feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-25
Packaged: 2018-02-14 17:15:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2200200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeptalker/pseuds/sleeptalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>12 things Twelve knows he must learn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when you know everything it is suddenly strange (when you don't have a clue)

**Author's Note:**

> So I just banged this out virtually as soon as I finished watching the episode, so I apologise for any mistakes.

**1.**

_The Doctor is not Clara’s boyfriend._

This should be obvious to him – should always have been obvious to him, really, after what happened with Rose, and the confusion with Amy. He’s always been old, far older than any of his companions, and it’s even more despicable now that he _looks_ old, now, and talks old.

It’s not fair on anyone, really. Because the Doctor knows how this ends. Clara will, eventually, leave him, whether by choice or not, and he shouldn’t allow her to go believing that there is something between them.

They are just friends, now. There may have been a time when they might not have been, but now he’s changed and that time is over.

**2.**

_The Doctor is old._

And he should have comes to terms with this ages ago, should really have come to terms with it when he first was old-looking, in his first regeneration, but he was young then (for a Timelord, anyway,) and is forcing himself to realise this now.

He usually looks young, and, dare he say it, handsome. But he is not young, and he is not handsome. To be handsome, one must have a handsome soul – a handsome memory, a handsome personality, a handsome image – but the Doctor certainly has none of that.

**3.**

_Clara will leave._

He’s always known this – it’s part of why he was reluctant to let her in, back in their beginning, when he still looking young and felt reckless and sad from Amy and Rory’s leaving. Clara persisted, and he won’t deny that there were moments, sometimes, where he thought _this might be the one, Clara Oswald might stay with me forever,_ but he has always known, deep down, that their end is inevitable.

Now, he thinks, their end is close. Clara can’t stay with him for long, now. He’s changed. He’s old. She can no longer fancy him. His entire personality is now backwards, and who knows if she will even _like_ this new one?

He’s not even sure if _he_ does.

**4.**

_Gallifrey is not gone forever, but that does not mean it is not gone for him._

Yes, his fellow Timelords may have saved him from death. But that doesn’t change their feud.

And he still feels the guilt from blowing up Gallifrey – his home, the home of many, of everyone. He killed thousands. He committed genocide, really, on his own people. And he’s not sure he can ever really recover from that.

**5.**

_He is Scottish, now._

And this, he doesn’t mind, really. He’s always admired the Scots, for their bravery and confidence. (Whenever he imagined himself being Scottish, he’d imagined himself ginger. Not grey, never grey.)

But it’s the principle of it, he supposes. It’s yet another substantial thing that’s changed about him. Words sound different in his mouth. He misses the way he used to say “Clara”, and “banana”, and “TARDIS”. His vowels sound so… Hard, now. Indifferent. Rough?

It’s a testament to his personality, he knows. 

(Amy used to speak Scottish so nicely. Her vowels never sounded hard or rough. They always sounded nice and soft-edged, and admittedly loud.)

**6.**

  _He has wrinkles._

It goes along with the “becoming old” thing, he knows, but these wrinkles are different.

He has frown wrinkles, which is strange because he hardly ever frowns now. He has Clara, and before that he had Amy, and before that a long string of companions who made him smile and laugh and find hope in the world.

The frown lines are different – where did they come from?

**7.**

_His face is not his._

When he looks in the mirror, he recognises that face. This new face isn’t really new, it is old, and has come from somewhere.

Everything is still fuzzy with the regeneration. The face zooms in and out of view. He thinks it may have been during his tenth regeneration, but he can’t place where.

He’s almost certain that Donna was there, too, but he has long since tried to block out any memories of Donna. Some things are just too painful for him to handle.

**8.**

_The Doctor cannot run like he used to._

And again, it goes along with his age – his bones are old, they don’t move very fast. Does this mean that he won’t be able to keep up with Clara? Is that how she’ll finally leave him, by just running away?

He feels ashamed to admit this fact. He can almost _hear_ his past regenerations laughing at him. What’s the use of _being the Doctor_ if he can’t even run? Running accounts for at least 70% of the job, after all.

**9.**

_The Doctor must stop repressing memories._

He has done this for as long as he can remember. Only now is he truly starting to appreciate the effect it has on him.

Those droids, those whatchamigigs, he knows he has seen them before. The _“S.S. Marie Antoinette, sister ship to the S.S. Madame de Pompadour”._ It’s so familiar. But all that comes to mind is a cockney accent and a pretty blonde woman, and a horse.

If he hadn’t repressed that memory, of the droids, then he would have been able to stop them sooner. He wouldn’t have had to leave Clara there all alone with them. He could have stopped them as soon as he realised what was going on.

**10.**

_The Doctor is unsure of how to fly the TARDIS._

The TARDIS. His oldest friend. His one constant companion. Sexy.

He’s recovered somewhat from the regeneration, remembers just barely how to fly her. (Thankfully she is very cooperative, and helps him an awful lot.)

 Of course, it’s not the first time this has happened. But he was younger back then. He was reckless. He wasn’t as clueless about the future back then as he is now. (And he’s a _time traveler_.)

The truth? It was embarrassing for him when he landed in Glasgow. Glasgow and London are very far away – this isn’t like parking the TARDIS a few streets away, or even a city – _he missed by an entire country._

**11.**

_Clara is more sure of him than he is._

The Doctor is grateful for this, he really is. Clara is a blessing. But surely it says something significant about you when your companion, who didn’t trust you at all for a week, suddenly believes in you more than you do yourself.

The Doctor does not know if he is good or bad. He’s made too many mistakes, and fixing them will only redeem him a little.

**12.**

_He is the Doctor_.

This comforts him.

The one undeniable fact. 


End file.
